i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
