well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize