You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
