Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize