i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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