she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
