Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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