please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
