dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
