I cannot find my penis.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize