I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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