I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
