So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
