my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
