I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
