My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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