I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
