Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
