I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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