sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize