just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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