Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
