you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
