fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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