Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
