Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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