Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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