I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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