why didn't you poke me back
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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