I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize