No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
