p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
