I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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