How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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