I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
