I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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