running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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