Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
