I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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