On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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