I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i out mim tonsoeep
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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