My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
