i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can you bring me the toilet please
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
