my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
