Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
