Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
