You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
