I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
