dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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