Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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