Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
