I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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