I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
