Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
