My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
