They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just found a bag of teeth...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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