When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
