I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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