My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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