Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
