Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
